Episode 261: Breaking Negative Cycles In Relationships

A negative cycle starts when one partner in a relationship feels hurt and then says something critical. Then, the other partner feels hurt and responds in kind. This repeats over and over, and the hurt feelings escalate. In the last episode, we talked about why these cycles happen and how to identify them in your relationship. In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about how to break the negative cycle, including things you should and shouldn’t say in these situations. I am joined once again by Julie Menanno, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. She also provides insight and advice for couples at @TheSecureRelationship on Instagram, with over one million followers. She founded and runs the Bozeman Therapy & Counseling Clinic, and Secure Relationship Coaching. Her latest book is titled Secure Love. Some of the specific topics we explore in this episode include: Why is telling your partner to “calm down” a bad idea in a negative cycle? Although being vulnerable during a fight might sound scary, how can this be helpful in resolving it? What is co-regulation, and how can understanding this concept help to combat negative cycles? How can you avoid the traps that lead us into negative cycles in the first place? How do you repair a relationship after a negative cycle? Make sure to check out Julie’s website to learn more. Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology *** Thank you to our sponsors!  Whether you’re just a few dates in or have been together a long time, it’s time to lighten the mood and have fun with your partner by using Paired. Head over to paired.com/justin to get a 7-day free trial and 25% off if you sign up for a subscription. Connect with your partner every day using Paired. A happier relationship starts here! Passionate about building a career in sexuality? Check out the Sexual Health Alliance. With SHA, you’ll connect with world-class experts and join an engaged community of sexuality professionals from around the world. Visit SexualHealthAlliance.com and start building the sexuality career of your dreams today. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.